From experience: it works, and can be an effective tactic when no other options are available.
Long-term, it can be hard to sustain, and maybe a bit unhealthy – it becomes a form of self-betrayal, where you repeatedly suppress genuine negative feelings about dealing with someone difficult. These feelings are there for a reason, even if expressing them with the person triggering them would be counterproductive.
Also, in more extreme cases, the sort of people who are prone to creating drama and conflict pick up on the technique and make it into a battle of wills – who will break and give up first. And they may be a lot better at it than you are, because for them it is a central feature of their personality, and for you it's just a tactic for immediate relief.
Well said. In essence grey rocking itself is a form of defensive manipulation. Most of us are prosocial and find it really laborious to keep up. It's an ok tactic when communication is ineffective or harmful. It is probably a bad idea to use it with someone you simply have a point of friction with. It can be hard to know the difference sometimes though.
I knew a person who constantly grayrocked even people she has never met before who she totally could have been open with. Just like any method you can use or abuse it.
If you find yourself in the blast radius of an abusive narcissistic person for example, grayrocking is totally a decent way to deal with them, while keeping your calm. But using it towards everybody whom you're not 100% on board with is probably a bit overkill.
If this article resonated - I highly recommend Bill Eddy and his books and podcasts. He does a good job on providing nomenclature - 4 or 5 cluster B personality disorders which he tones down to "high-conflict person" and patterns on dealing with them.
I've found this helpful for getting along with family who I know wouldn't like certain aspects of my life but for whom going no-contact is more trouble than it's worth.
"How's your job?"
"About the same. Still just working with computers."
"Any girls in your life?"
"Nah not really. Hard to meet people these days."
"What kind of music do you listen to?"
"Whatever they play on the radio I guess"
"You go to church?"
"When I can"
"Who are you voting for?"
"I haven't thought about it too much. Who are you voting for?"
Answer the question but reveal nothing and they have nothing to pry at. Worst case, turn it around and let them talk about themselves for awhile. Throw in a "Uh huh," "Oh man," and "I'd never thought about it like that" every few minutes until it's time to go.
Grey rock is a very valuable technique, but also often a symptom of having low boundaries yourself. It can be exciting to have the attention of a grandiose person at first, but having people you can't say no to is a huge problem.
Doesn't this just lead to being steamrolled on every decision or would be conflict? Seems like it would work if the person is addicted to drama but not if they're happy to simply use you.
To me it seems like the crux of the technique is "don't engage in drama" but making yourself lesser to do that seems problematic.
I believe the goal of gray-rocking here is to defend yourself against overly dramatic and abusive bullies which you are forced to have some minimal contact with (family member, co-worker on another team, friend-of-a-friend), not someone you have to deal and negotiate with daily. Those require different and situation-dependent strategies.
It's not making yourself lesser, it's basically "not taking the bait," which is very much a strength, not a weakness.
I like the idea of a Yellow Rock, still shining, smiling and being the positive old self, just giving absolutely nothing in return for toxic behavior... In my situation, morale improved across the department and the mental beatings came to an end.
Grey Rock method worked against a particularly toxic work conflict that was keeping me awake at night... but... the reality was that it produced zero work results for any of us.
I had a difficult family member who used to give drama, telling intense and fantastical stories. My go to word just became a simple ‘Yikes’ and then silence.
After a while they tended not to talk to me at family functions.
I use it when dealing with over-sharers or people who are after a reaction and attention.
What a dramatic way to describe not participating in drama.
Give it a name, capitolized even, and exhortation to embody it (a lack of reaction) with all your might...
It's kind of like how religious people can only conceptualize atheism as the atheist religion. Atheists don't even use the lower-case word atheism, since that already makes an absense of a thing into a thing. The same way they aren't alunafromagists (don't believe the moon is made of cheese).
It's goofy.
Next there will be GreyRock Scrum Masters to teach everyone the Principles...
Not really. Stoicism is first and foremost about how you deal with yourself. Gray-rocking is a tactic for dealing with others. I suppose it fits with Stoicism in that dealing effectively with others can be good for you.
It’s different in application. Grey-rocking is where you maintain firm boundaries but otherwise refuse to engage in drama.
This has the effect of completely disabling people who thrive on causing drama, or people like my neighbour who only seem to be content when everyone else is making accommodations for her poorly-behaved kid and/or telling her how hard her life must be.
People like that will decide one day that they’re not getting enough attention so they will create situations where they have the opportunity to be offended about $issueDuJour. Grey-rocking prevents them from their parasocial behavior using you as leverage.
From experience: it works, and can be an effective tactic when no other options are available.
Long-term, it can be hard to sustain, and maybe a bit unhealthy – it becomes a form of self-betrayal, where you repeatedly suppress genuine negative feelings about dealing with someone difficult. These feelings are there for a reason, even if expressing them with the person triggering them would be counterproductive.
Also, in more extreme cases, the sort of people who are prone to creating drama and conflict pick up on the technique and make it into a battle of wills – who will break and give up first. And they may be a lot better at it than you are, because for them it is a central feature of their personality, and for you it's just a tactic for immediate relief.
Well said. In essence grey rocking itself is a form of defensive manipulation. Most of us are prosocial and find it really laborious to keep up. It's an ok tactic when communication is ineffective or harmful. It is probably a bad idea to use it with someone you simply have a point of friction with. It can be hard to know the difference sometimes though.
I knew a person who constantly grayrocked even people she has never met before who she totally could have been open with. Just like any method you can use or abuse it.
If you find yourself in the blast radius of an abusive narcissistic person for example, grayrocking is totally a decent way to deal with them, while keeping your calm. But using it towards everybody whom you're not 100% on board with is probably a bit overkill.
If this article resonated - I highly recommend Bill Eddy and his books and podcasts. He does a good job on providing nomenclature - 4 or 5 cluster B personality disorders which he tones down to "high-conflict person" and patterns on dealing with them.
I've found this helpful for getting along with family who I know wouldn't like certain aspects of my life but for whom going no-contact is more trouble than it's worth.
"How's your job?" "About the same. Still just working with computers."
"Any girls in your life?" "Nah not really. Hard to meet people these days."
"What kind of music do you listen to?" "Whatever they play on the radio I guess"
"You go to church?" "When I can"
"Who are you voting for?" "I haven't thought about it too much. Who are you voting for?"
Answer the question but reveal nothing and they have nothing to pry at. Worst case, turn it around and let them talk about themselves for awhile. Throw in a "Uh huh," "Oh man," and "I'd never thought about it like that" every few minutes until it's time to go.
Grey rock is a very valuable technique, but also often a symptom of having low boundaries yourself. It can be exciting to have the attention of a grandiose person at first, but having people you can't say no to is a huge problem.
Anyone having these sorts of people problems I would highly recommend https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
I don't really get this framing. You can not engage with drama and also not be boring or use this label. So maybe just do that?
Doesn't this just lead to being steamrolled on every decision or would be conflict? Seems like it would work if the person is addicted to drama but not if they're happy to simply use you.
To me it seems like the crux of the technique is "don't engage in drama" but making yourself lesser to do that seems problematic.
I believe the goal of gray-rocking here is to defend yourself against overly dramatic and abusive bullies which you are forced to have some minimal contact with (family member, co-worker on another team, friend-of-a-friend), not someone you have to deal and negotiate with daily. Those require different and situation-dependent strategies.
It's not making yourself lesser, it's basically "not taking the bait," which is very much a strength, not a weakness.
I think it depends on the power dynamic. It’s probably easier to implement with family members outside of your home than your manager.
I like the idea of a Yellow Rock, still shining, smiling and being the positive old self, just giving absolutely nothing in return for toxic behavior... In my situation, morale improved across the department and the mental beatings came to an end.
Grey Rock method worked against a particularly toxic work conflict that was keeping me awake at night... but... the reality was that it produced zero work results for any of us.
https://archive.is/9Mkoa
Denied :/
Edit: Oh lol. I guess you just have to click the captcha. Never seen that in an archive before.
archive.is/ph/today/etc has been doing that for a long time
Though it might possibly vary depending where you come from, using cloudflare for dns, what browser plugins in effect, etc.
And what do I do if I am already really, really boring as heck?
For those of us who are not harassed by people seeking drama... I guess we read a different article.
Mission accomplished
I had a difficult family member who used to give drama, telling intense and fantastical stories. My go to word just became a simple ‘Yikes’ and then silence.
After a while they tended not to talk to me at family functions.
I use it when dealing with over-sharers or people who are after a reaction and attention.
Bless your heart, back home we call it southern hospitality.
Paywall
What a dramatic way to describe not participating in drama. Give it a name, capitolized even, and exhortation to embody it (a lack of reaction) with all your might...
It's kind of like how religious people can only conceptualize atheism as the atheist religion. Atheists don't even use the lower-case word atheism, since that already makes an absense of a thing into a thing. The same way they aren't alunafromagists (don't believe the moon is made of cheese).
It's goofy.
Next there will be GreyRock Scrum Masters to teach everyone the Principles...
k
Sounds like stoicism.
Not really. Stoicism is first and foremost about how you deal with yourself. Gray-rocking is a tactic for dealing with others. I suppose it fits with Stoicism in that dealing effectively with others can be good for you.
It’s different in application. Grey-rocking is where you maintain firm boundaries but otherwise refuse to engage in drama.
This has the effect of completely disabling people who thrive on causing drama, or people like my neighbour who only seem to be content when everyone else is making accommodations for her poorly-behaved kid and/or telling her how hard her life must be.
People like that will decide one day that they’re not getting enough attention so they will create situations where they have the opportunity to be offended about $issueDuJour. Grey-rocking prevents them from their parasocial behavior using you as leverage.